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Jan. 18th, 2009

it's been awhile since our team (the giants) lost in the playoffs

and the reason its been awhile is because time passes and does not stop for anyone

wait that was not what i meant to say

what i meant to say that it has been awhile since i last posted, particularly with the playoffs loss in between

and i was a little mad about it

so mad i couldn't write

so mad i couldn't football

then i was also sad

i was stuck in this vortex of sad and mad and no amount of juice and old shonen jumps could calm me down

one time toomer called me over the phone to ask how i was doing and i was not actually sure what i said to him

but toomer tells me i responded with a haunting, fearful blast of blubbering and screaming that was akin to the haunted yowls of a forest in the dead of winter, home to long decomposed soldiers and possibly also lumberjacks

i just spooked myself for a second there


but this sad and mad couldn't last forever and i just have to accept that the giants aren't going to the superbowl again this year

i would like to think that we had a pretty good season, and we have plenty to be proud of

so instead of using this sad-madness as a personal comfort pillow (which is a terrible thing to do, as it is a kind of pillow that does not help you sleep but instead makes you say awful cuss words at your bestest of friends) i would instead like to move on and be grateful for what was good

i would like to thank the team for playing so hard

i would like to thank toomer for being the best friend i've ever had

i would like to thank the coach for keep on coaching even when we were not playing as well as his coaching would like us to be

i would like to thank all of the fans for sticking with us through this season and rooting all the way to our final game this season

i will still be footballing here next year, and i hope you will still be watching me next year

i will football as hard and as best as i can and i hope we can make it to the superbowl again

in the meantime i will watch the other teams and hope they play their best too

so thanks everyone

eli manning

(p.s. if you know any good chili recipes i would like to hear them, as i am becoming very fond of this hot spicy dish full of hot spices)
guys i had a birthday awhile ago

and i've hesitated to talk to you all about it because it is really weird

see after a certain point of my birthday

i black out

if i try to remember it, all i can see is total blackness and a picture of miss beyonce knowles

and while i am sure that miss beyonce knowles is a very nice lady i have no idea what she is doing in my head spinning amongst a total black void of my memory

okay let me try and retrace my steps, as the legendary detectives dick tracy and sherlock holmes have said (i don't know why those guys don't work together they could solve all problems ever)

(perhaps it is a conflict over preference of hats; dick tracy and sherlock holmes clearly like very different and distinctive hats)

but retracing my steps now

okay it was my birthday

and i was at a club

toomer said he had to go make a phone call so i waved him bye and said i would be waiting right here until he got back from outside

and then

oh okay this is why miss beyonce knowles is in my head

her song Single Ladies came on and it is a poetic retelling of the troubles of men and women and men having trouble fully comitting to those women

miss beyonce knowles speaks clearly of the difficulties of life

okay so miss beyonce knowles song was on, and then my wife

my wife came up close and lowered her hips and

okay dang it i just blacked out again

i think i lost like 20 minutes of time on this one


well i don't wanna keep blacking out all day or i'm not gonna get anything done

maybe i can pay sherlock holmes or dick tracy to retrace my steps for me, as i am going to go play wii instead right now

guys guys guys guys guys


guys guys

guess what!!!!!!!!!

please take this moment to make your guesses

okay done

i won the mvp!

i thought it was kind of weird that they did not tell me this personally and i had to find it out over the internet newspapers about it but i assume that it was just because of a few mixups

forgetting my phone number

forgetting my e-mail

forgetting my aim screen name (CapriSunFan3368)

or forgetting any of these other contact methods

i have forgotten all of these myself so it is forgivable

one time i forgot my own name so i do not get high and mighty about remembering things

but anyway i would like to thank everybody for being named mvp and i will make sure to live up to its many duties possibly including fighting aliens who plan to steal all the gold from fort knox to fuel their spaceships

i would also like to say that



i'm not the mvp

i saw 'manning' and 'mvp' but i didn't see 'colts'

it's my brother who is mvp, not me

well, i


well i'd like to congratulate my brother for becoming the mvp


he worked very hard at footballing in order to become mvp so congratulations again

i love my brother very much even when he is mean to me so congratulations again

darn it
well guys i suppose i should be talking about the game or upcoming games

but it is christmas

and christmas is what i want to talk to you about

normally i would be telling you all about the neat presents i got and i must admit i got some really neat presents

(okay i will talk about one really quickly, i got a book that has all of roald dahl's books and that is like a big bunch of books glued into even one greater book, so it is basically one of the best books since books of books were conceived)

but i had a dream, on christmas eve

and it told me what was really important about christmas

and not just about christmas, about this whole month of december, about this year, and about our whole lives

i fell asleep just after a mcdonald's lunch so all of this was relayed to me a double cheeseburger

and this double cheeseburger said to me

"Eli, I know you're excited about the presents. And I know that - no, Eli, I'm not here to talk to you about what Santa might bring you. Yes, Eli, Santa is great, and you're really hoping for that new sled with rockets attached, but that's not the point. Let's get back on track here."

"The presents aren't what you should be thinking about. Even Christmas itself isn't what you should be thinking about. Winter would normally be a cold, lonely depressing time, and things like Christmas, Chanukkah, the Solstice, on and on, these events bring us closer. To make us value each other and see how fortunate we have someone other than ourselves around to look out for us. For people to show kindness, to pull us through harsh times - harsh winters."

"Eli, I am not for eating. Please pay attention. Thank you."

"It is hard to remember to hold onto that giving, loving spirit after the Holidays pass - or even sometimes during them - but, Eli, I know you can do it."

"Hold onto that kindness, and love all that you meet, even if they do not return that kindness. Care for the world, and everyone in it."

"Merry Christmas and God Bless, Eli Manning. People may make fun of you, but just smile back at them as you always have."

"Also, quit throwing the ball as if you were trying to spiral a bucket of KFC."

then the double cheeseburger stopped

and that double cheeseburger is right

i am not just thankful to santa and to my presents, but i am thankful for toomer and peyton (even though he can be mean) and i am thankful to my team and my coach and all my fans and the NFL

and i am thankful for every one

every last one of you

i love you all, christmas or not

merry christmas, everybody

have a good winter

- eli

guys you know what stinks?

being sacked

i mean like eight times

but to be honest i was just not playing a very good game out there yesterday

sometimes the other team is just really good and sometimes you're just doing not that well

i mean


eight times

definitely not doing well

i got to look at myself first you know?

because pointing problems at other people gets you nowhere

first you have to fix the problems with your own game, then you can help fix the problems in other people's game

we definitely wouldn't get more points if i just started being a jerk and talking only about screwups that other people did

so i'm gonna work really really really really hard you guys!

i'm gonna throw a lot of balls and run a lot and imagine that the other team is trying to come after me, and toomer will practice with me, and we'll try to complete more passes

big, long passes, all across the field

i wanna try and get a good solid win before the playoffs

so i'm gonna train a lot

i'll even cut down my nintendo wii time to thirty minutes a day

definitely don't wanna get sacked eight times again

after the game i bit my lip, took a deep breath, bought myself some hi-c, and had a calzone from donny's pizza

donny is a real nice guy and makes the best calzones

can't go into a game angry

just gotta train hard

tonight we're playing the cowboys! i remember when i first watched the cowboys play years ago that i was very pleased that they were actually quite polite and did not once break out into a barroom brawl

of course there would need to be a bar for the cowboys to break out into a brawl into, and there are no bars on football fields

but if you are able to be a cowboy and a football player at the same time i imagine you are crafty enough to construct a saloon (with those swinging front doors) right in the center of the field and then promptly have a fight in it after the third down

but they do not do this

so i am very grateful to the cowboys for that

i would not enjoy having a bottle/chair/table/entire stairwell broken over me whilst an old man bangs out the ragtimes on piano

however there are some things that i feel bad for the cowboys for

Terrel Owens who i think prefers to be referred to as T.O.

maybe it makes him sound real tough?

wait here let me try it


just call me...


Eeee Ehmmmmmmmmm


nope, no good

i get the feeling i would have to attach spikes to my shoulder pads and put on face paint in order to look tough, like that movie i saw by accident once, Mad Max, but that movie scared the bejeebers out of me, so i think trying to look tough would only result in me being terrified of myself

also: more interceptions

but Mr. T.O. apparently thinks that Mr. Romo and Mr. Witten are coming up with super duper double oh seven secret plays behind his back and that these imaginary awesome plays that are being made without his witnessing them makes Mr. T.O. very mad

guys, you need to be able to trust your team to play well

for instance, i trust toomer to always do his absolute best on the field and if sometimes he doesn't catch a ball well he was still doing his best

and the same goes for steve smith, last week was just a bad game for him

similarly, toomer and steve trust me not to freeze up while holding the ball too often during a game and i do my best to live up to that high standard

so, Mr. T.O. i hope you trust your teammates (yet another wise and heartwarming lesson i have learned from everything ranging from yugioh to yugioh gx to yugioh 5Ds to one piece to other shows i have witnessed on the saturday mornings) and that we have a good game tonight

but i also hope our team plays really well and wins because man oh man i can almost taste that two dozen pack of sunny d


Dec. 8th, 2008


i certainly didn't get any hi-c and nerf guns out of last night's game i can tell you that

a news article that was handed to me said that we were distracted by the loss of plaxico in our lineup due to him shooting himself in the leg by carrying a gun in his sweatpants

shockey would have had something to say about that and i hope this doesn't make me a bad person but i am glad he is not on the team to say it as he is a very frightening man when he goes into detailing his opinions

also: his bald eagle looks even more ready to attempt to attack me and attempt to intercept the football

man if that actually happened the team would never let me forget it

'eli why did you practically just throw the ball to the redskins quarterback'

'eli why did you just stand there with your hands out as if to politely hand the other team the ball'

'eli where did that eagle come from and why did he steal the ball from you'

and i feel a little bad for letting the team down

but then i rewatch some yugioh 5Ds and

wait i haven't told you guys about yugioh 5Ds

okay it is basically yugioh and people play them on motorcycles now, which i have to say, seems pretty awesome to me (though it likely does violate several traffic laws, and that'd be a bad thing, but i imagine they have a whole code of laws dedicated to where and when you can yugioh and on what vehicles in the yugioh universe, so okay it's not actually bad at all)

also in it are rich people being mean to poor people and that is not cool, which is the cruxtch of the lesson to it

anyway i rewatch some yugioh 5Ds and i learn it is okay to lose sometimes because you can not win them all and being obsessed with winning makes you look like a jerk

also, i am glad for my coaches humbleness as instead of blaming the weather, god, or michael chabon (toomer is reading one of his books to me), he just said we did not play very well

and we did not play very well, so he was telling the truth

i will try to play better next time, guys


but right now what i really wanna play is pit in super smash bros.

not to brag but i am pretty good with him

Dec. 7th, 2008

well guys, sorry for the delay, but eli 'football' manning is back !!

the reason for lack of writing from me is a complicated one, so thick that occam's razor could not begin to cut into its juicy, sweet enigma core

(toomer told me what an occam's razor was yesterday and it sounds real neat so i'm trying to say it more)

((although i am still confused on how occam's razor is not an actual razor or knife. i would hope that occam is able to afford purchasing actual knives, and does not have to imagine one in order to cut his food))

basically, here's what happened

i forgot my livejournal password

so there were options in order to have livejournal email me my password, and i was about to do that, but when it came to providing them with my e-mail so they could send the secret double oh seven message containing my password, i realized another thing

i had forgotten my email

and i felt bad, because i didn't want to register a new livejournal as that would feel like leaving this livejournal the short end of the stick, or abandoning a puppy that was already abandoned, making it twice as abandoned and twice as sad

but then i had an idea

i'd use another email i already had from before and email livejournal asking for my password

i sent them a message saying

'hello i am eli manning of the new york giants; i have forgotten my password to my livejournal, so please send it to me here'

i had to send that message about 30 times which resulted in a phone call finally and me getting my password back

i don't know what happened to the first 29 messages

maybe a lot of football players forgot their passwords and livejournal had to help them first

but anyway, eli 'quarterback' manning is back! and a lot has happened in the meantime

i got married to a special lady! i know she is a special lady, because i would not want to marry a lady who is not special to me

my house also got showcased in a very specializet magazine called electronic house, showing my fancy place with all the remote controlled stuff and things that move around

the house is based on my exact blueprints for 'best house ever' i made when i was six

so there is also a button with 'make peyton stop being mean' on it

unfortunately, it doesn't work yet

anyway, last game, we beat the washington redskins, and i got a pack of Capri Suns out of it

here's hoping i do real good at tonight's game and can get a real big pack of hi-c and a nerf gun for it

bye bye!
guys despite the taste of the devil (possibly also ghost) soda haunting my mouth from last month, i am in a pretty good mood!!!! let me tell you why

i was talking with toomer as i am talking to toomer a lot of the time, and he asked if i was busy this week. i was am was not. toomer asked if i'd be up to a 'guy's night out'.

ladies i am unsure what a guy's night out is like, so maybe if you could tell me what a ladies night out is like, i could tell the difference

my personal night out usually involves: antiquing

well toomer said he'd want to see a movie, so i asked if we could see horton hears a who

toomer said no.

i thought about what other movies were out, and then i asked toomer if we could see anastasia, about the russian princess

toomer said anastasia was not in theaters anymore

i thought about it again

then i asked toomer if we could see horton hears a who

toomer said that he really had 'the bank job' more in mind, and i asked if that was the movie out right now that has owen wilson in it who i had doubted as a good man before but proved his moral standin alongside jackie chan when they time traveled to the old west and owen was an outlaw who was a good outlaw because he helped save the day despite the differences between owen wilson and jackie chan, who is the only man to ever hold both jobs of chinese warrior and supercop at the same time

when you are owen wilson, who is both an old west outlaw and an actor, it is very hard to get along with supercops

toomer said no. well i started getting sort of frustrated, but toomer said right then and there that we could go see the spiderwick chronicles instead


we could go see the bank job and he'd take me to friendly's in the morning

and if you know me, friendly's is like having a 5th ace in your hand

but i gotta tell you guys, i do have a little trouble on my mind

toomer said that shockey would be coming along too and i comitted a sin today because i told toomer that would be great because i did not want to disappoint him

shockey is hanging out with toomer here and there lately, and i don't really get why, shockey is always looking angry about something

it is very nice of shockey to love our country so much but i am afraid of his arm because whenever i look at it i think his painted bald eagle is going to leap out and attack me just as i am about to throw the football

guys, every time the ball gets intercepted by the other team?

that's when i'm afraid shockey's tattoo is going to attack me.

i thought i should tell you that

maybe shockey's anger activates his arm bald eagle

anyway so i'm going to see the bank job with toomer and it'll be alright i guess

at least shockey isn't coming with us to friendly's

i can't touch my omelette or glass of shoutin' orange tangergreen hi-c as long as that eagle is staring right at me
guys i was all ready to tell you more about my struggle with the one piece and yugioh as opposite factions in the fight for my favorite thing ever, but then it just had to go and be ruined

to the man in orange, i will find you

i will find you and i will make you drink what you have made because you have obviously never drank it yourself

and then you'll feel really awful and will apologize to me.

i'm speaking, of course, about the devil soda

anyone who is finding out about moxie from me, please do not be like me and give moxie a chance, because it doesn't deserve one, which i know is a bad thing to say because just about everything deserves a chance, but moxie is one of the things not covered by 'just about' before the 'everything'

this is a soda of bad memories

when i saw it in the vending machine, i was excited because it was one i had never seen before, and the orange man was so confident, it was as if he was recognizing how ready i am to enjoy beverages at all times

but when i drank it i just felt bad about everything

i had to sit down, close my eyes, and put on lilo and stitch i felt so bad

(it's really hard to find lilo and stitch and put it in the dvd player when your eyes are closed)

i eventually threw it up

and when i saw that dark brown devil soda swirling away into the escapeland that my toilet leads to, it was all i could focus on

and in that dark brown, i saw myself

i'm gonna go watch cats don't dance and then maybe lilo and stitch again


me with a helmet on
eli manning

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